Society School: Peeing in the pool

Today we are debuting a new sector to Society Camp, our newly minted Society School. Society School is exactly like Society Camp, except for kids (12 and under). We only call it a ‘school’ to a) make it sound worse to the kids; and b) make it sound better to their awful parents. Don’t worry, we have staff on-hand to make sure that overnighters don’t wet the bed etc., as mattresses are expensive, even just loosely filled bags of plastic bottles. Obviously that was a joke, we actually buy them secondhand from hotels that have just renovated due to bed bugs.

Our inaugural Society School post will focus on a classic complaint against kids (and drunk jerks monopolizing resort swim-up bars), pissing in the goddamn pool. Continue Reading→

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Baby Strollers: Selfish parenting personified in wheel form

Congrats, you got drunk one night, or tried to save a failing relationship, and you’re now stuck with a little critter who you love more than anything in this world, other than your own sense of self-worth.

Last I checked, the decision to have children rests solely on the parents, accident or not. Unless I somehow orchestrated a molly fueled date in a majestic setting for you and your lover, where the only outcome would be sweet baby making, I had nothing to do with the process. Yet every damn day, I’m impeded in my quest to live and roam free throughout city streets and stores, because of your stupid baby strollers. Continue Reading→

Fail Bag: PDAs make me want to vomit in the face of love

Sorry for the delay folks. Five days ago, it was really, really windy and I saw no less than three hats fly off peoples’ heads, and I have just now regained my composure. There is nothing more joy producing in this world, than watching a grown man chase a ten dollar hat through traffic, while balancing a smoothie and a mustard covered hot dog that will one day give him colon cancer.
To mark our return from hysterical laughter at the expense of others via our cheeky friend the wind, we  are back with another edition of Fail Bag, where you, our loyal but cheap reader,  send in an example of some awful things you or your fellow man are spewing onto society. Continue Reading→

Annoying Sippers – Grandiose ahhhhs for no reason

It’s disgusting enough to have to watch people shovel food into their filthy mouths with the gumption of Joey Chestnut, without having to be further annoyed by the manner in which they decide to consume their beverage.

Drinking, along with breathing and I don’t know, eye opening, is the first thing we learn to do as humans. It’s the one means we have of survival when we are stupid babies whose biggest accomplishments revolve around producing solidly formed poos (it usually just looks like broccoli soup, but be warned, it doesn’t taste like it). So you’d think that when it comes to putting a liquid down your throat, you should have the whole operation down to a fine science come adulthood. Continue Reading→

ATM Wait Times – They aren’t magazines at Barnes and Noble

For some reason, it’s 2015 and we still use paper money and metal coins for currency as though we live in the Tang Dynasty. This antiquated form of paying for things is not the worst thing ever, seeing as my piece of shit Samsung can hardly take a pic half the time I need it to, so could never be dependable enough to serve as my wallet. And I rather not have a chip inserted into my wrist like I’m some purebred Yorkie.

So paper money it is, but this relic of a monetary system brings with it many shortcomings: the germ ridden coins and notes that probably killed your great-uncle last winter; a pocket full of metal heavy enough to require a belt, but still only providing enough funds to buy a coffee and maybe a muffin; and worst of all, shitty people that think ATMs are their personal banker. Continue Reading→

Fail Bag: Whistle while you work?

Today we have our first in our Fail Bag series, where readers send in what they think is a glaring example of societal shitbaggery, or even share their own hiccups in trying to not be so awful, and seek our sage advice on how to reform such inconsiderate actions.

Keith from Barrie, Ontario:

Hi Society Camp, first time, long time (editors note: this guy is a fucking liar, this blog hasn’t even been around for a week and he hits us with the first time, long time horseshit). The guy in the cubicle next to me is nice enough, for someone from Barrie. I’ve been working next to him for about a year, and for the most part I have no issues with him, even though he wears the same Van Halen shirt every Friday, which is bad enough as it is, but worse when you realize we work in a law office that doesn’t subscribe to casual Fridays (one time I didn’t wear a pinstripe suit on a Friday and almost lost my job). Anyway, so this guy, let’s call him Mitch, because that’s his real name, is okay, just a shitty dresser and he wears that all natural pine deodorant, which makes him smell great for about an hour or so, but that slowly fades into the faint smell of B.O. wafting through a forest, but that doesn’t bother me all that much. What I’m writing to you about is his fucking whistling. Usually, if a colleague was just whistling all the time, I’d tell them to shut their squeezed together lips up. But here’s the thing, Mitch just whistles the same tune throughout the day, Chopin’s “Funeral March”. So I really want to throw my stapler at him, but what if he’s just thinking about his dead wife’s funeral all the time? Would that make me the asshole? Or is he still the asshole and Society Camp bound for whistling at work?

Thanks for writing in, Keith. First of all, I’m really, really sorry to hear about the hard time you’ve been going through, as it’s never easy being from Barrie. Continue Reading→

Harley Davidsons – The Nickelback of transportation

Look, I get it, seeing as I’m an avid cyclist (goes once a week) that the feeling of wind blowing through what’s left of your hair is thrilling. It blends nature and speed into one beautiful cacophony of fun. I’m sure if my mom allowed it, I would very much enjoy hitting the open road on a motorcycle like I’m Dennis Hopper (fuck, forgot he died, my last memory of him is from Entourage, jesus, that has to hurt one’s legacy). There’s probably no better way to take a road trip than on some hog, minus of course, the inability to take a suitcase or even a toothbrush. So this isn’t me trying to shit on people who like motorcycles. Sure you are risking your life and health for the ability to essentially do what you could do for less money and risk on a bicycle, but you’re clearly just too lazy for creating your own movement and I’m totally okay with that. No, this is to shed light on those who buy a Harley, and then choose to ensure that anyone within earshot is also aware that they are on a Harley. Continue Reading→

Sidewalk Etiquette – Don’t be a concrete asshole

I think a lot of people are unaware that they are in fact, living in a society, and I base this entirely on their inability to walk on the fucking sidewalk. The sidewalk is a simple yet fundamental tenant to our society. A means of transport  bringing those who choose to walk from one point to another, or simply allowing them to meander and take in life as it slowly passes you buy at 12 km/hr (miles be damned). They are the arteries of both small and congested cities and are vital to the vibrancy, success and general happiness of its populace. Except, people don’t know how to actually use them.

You’d think the act of walking on concrete, while mixing in a little common sense and decency, would not take rules or guidance, but people are stupid so here we are. Continue Reading→

Society Camp 101 – You know, we’re living in a society

People are awful. You know it, I know it, and awful people everywhere know it. It’s not entirely their fault, just a rotten mix of shitty parents and a society hell-bent on proving that altruism and good manners are only fit for Liam Neeson movies (he may be a bad-ass, but he will at least say please and thank you before shattering your pelvis and sticking his strong yet dirty finger in your malleable eye socket, while raising your young son after your premature death shortly before Christmas). Every day, more than once, I see something that someone does that is just selfish and shitty. I’m not talking about someone doing something sinister or criminal, just being a dick with a complete lack of awareness of what is acceptable in society. You know who I’m talking about, and in many ways, that person is me and you.

We all do things at times that are shitty. Either consciously or not, we forget that we live in a world made up of others. If you live on a deserted island, do whatever the hell it is you like. But when you’ve embraced Hobbes and given up your free will in the name of living in a society, please, for the love of man, stop being an asshole. Stop talking on the bus loud enough for the world to know that you and Chester got wasted last night. Stop walking on the sidewalk with your two other girlfriends arm-in-arm, like it’s some kind of one way catwalk that only belongs to you. Stop riding your bike on the sidewalk (sidewalks will be a constant theme in this blog, as they are the lifeline to societal asshatery). Stop reheating fish in the microwave at work. Stop listening to shitty music through your shitty Beats by Eh headphones, loud enough for the world to know you have awful taste in music and don’t know how to properly spend your money on electronics. Stop talking about Game of Thrones on the bus loud enough to ruin my winter months, when I hoard good TV for the sake of avoiding cruel mother nature and her frigid touch. Stop referring to a sports team you support as “we”, unless you’re on the fucking team (punters don’t count). Stop putting dog ears in your books, unless you’re reading Fifty Shades or Dan Brown’s latest religious mystery porn, in which case, stop reading. Stop taking away my plate when my dining companion is still eating, and be fucking sure to ask if I’m done first. Stop bending to Starbucks’ will and ordering made up names for cup sizes, and also, get better taste in coffee. So many things to stop doing, so little smart people to stop doing them.

You get the point, as a society, we are doing annoying and selfish things to each other. Some of us are unaware of which social mores we are disregarding, which still doesn’t make it okay. And others know exactly what they’re doing, and these people are simply monsters, though to be fair, I’m using the term monster in its quaintest form, as even if Aaron Hernandez had sidewalk etiquette down pat (pun!), he’d still be a bigger monster. But still, are you gonna let Aaron Hernandez walk a sidewalk in a more socially aware manner than you? You fucking monster.

So what can we, as a society, do to ensure that we aren’t so shitty to each other? And not in a ‘people should volunteer more and be nicer to their fellow man’ kinda way, simply in a, ‘people need to move to the fucking right of the escalator if they’re just gonna stand there’ kinda way. Well what we can do is start a Society Camp where these people can be sent to in order to learn how to properly operate in society. You drive your bike on the sidewalk even through you’re an adult, well, you just earned yourself a day in Society Camp, where you will spend the entire time glued to a sidewalk dodging people on bikes. You think it’s okay to listen to Iggy Azalea at volume 11 on your open ear headphones, you just got a half day at Society Camp, where you’ll be locked into a dark room and serenaded by a shirtless Chad Kroeger the entire time (Photograph on repeat). Every offence will be met with a different sentence (from hours to days, and maybe one day we’ll discuss something egregious enough to think about weeks/months), and coupled with a different reform activity. Don’t worry, this camp, though not as fun as the summer variety, will be a far departure from those used by, you know, oppressive regimes and Scientology. No one will die or get hurt. They will just learn what it means to be a part of a society. And though Society Camp, for now, only lives in our hearts and minds, be warned, that if you are a dick who doesn’t know how to be a fucking human when among your peers, Society Camp is watching.

So Pretty much just think, would Larry David shit on me for doing this? If the answer is yes, society camp awaits. In the words of  our generation’s great philosopher/poet laureate George Costanza, “You know, we’re living in a society!”. That we are Mr. Costanza, that we are.