Fail Bag: PDAs make me want to vomit in the face of love

Sorry for the delay folks. Five days ago, it was really, really windy and I saw no less than three hats fly off peoples’ heads, and I have just now regained my composure. There is nothing more joy producing in this world, than watching a grown man chase a ten dollar hat through traffic, while balancing a smoothie and a mustard covered hot dog that will one day give him colon cancer.
To mark our return from hysterical laughter at the expense of others via our cheeky friend the wind, we  are back with another edition of Fail Bag, where you, our loyal but cheap reader,  send in an example of some awful things you or your fellow man are spewing onto society.

Lucie from Rochester, New York:

I just returned from a family trip in Vermont (editor’s note: link to her vacation pics removed, we won’t help her rub her vacation into the face of those who can’t take one, even though it looked like a crap vacation). One of my family’s highlights was a trip to the famed Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory. Fail bagWhich is really just a factory with an underwhelming tour and a small cemetery of old flavors that any five year old would lose interest in within minutes, not worth the drive frankly. Anyway, while standing in line for our ice-cream order, a couple in front of us stood in the long line embracing. At this point, their faces inches from each other, they had yet to cross the line into disgustingness, though it was clearly bordering on it. This is a long line, maybe 45 minutes deep, so it was gut turning enough to have to watch their display of artificial love for long enough. But then, they started kissing. It wasn’t really tongue heavy, more slow and moist lip play, which might be worse. Surely I can’t be alone in wanting these people punished for being gross and trying to justify their failing relationship, and ruining my date with some absurd ice cream named after a celebrity in a puntastic way.

-Disgusted in Rochester (who isn’t though, it smells like really bad Chinese buffet here)…

Thanks for writing in, Lucie. I’ve eaten at a Chinese buffet in Rochester once. I was on a Greyhound bus en route to NY and we stopped for a late lunch in some strip-mall with a Chinese buffet, which I can only assume was downtown Rochester? I’d never eaten at a Chinese buffet that served plain white bread on the side of the meal, but it worked. The meal was forgettable, the experience was majestic, as is every Chinese Buffet adventure.

On to your question. PDAs are garbage and should never be thrown into society’s communal face, as they are one of the worst things to throw in a face following acid and bleach. If you and and your lover/spouse/escort are so hellbent on showing off your moves (missionary is only impressive when done on a water bed), there are plenty of sites that would love to host your fun times. You might even get some cash out of it! Though they won’t pay you for your standard 3 minute routine, which looks more like the last few living moments of fish out of water.

Acceptable forms of PDA:July 16, 2012

  • Hand holding, but once clammy, let fucking go. And for no longer than 5 minutes. I see a couple most mornings who walk to work together everyday and hold hands the entire time. It’s sickening.
  • Goodbye hugs/hello kiss on cheek, and even then take it easy unless you live in Paris. They kiss hello the bus drivers over there.

That’s it!

Sentence: Anyone caught doing any form of PDA not listed above, will receive one full day at Society Camp. If any saliva is visible, three days. I’ve had it with losing my lunch over your inability to love alone.

Reform Punishment: While Barry White plays over the Camp’s overhead speakers, you will be sent to a romantic themed suit a la Niagara Falls (mirror on ceiling, vibrating bed), and forced to watch your parents make-out while they constantly stop to remind you of the time you were conceived. When you yell out “get a room!”, your mother will inform you that they have just that, after they changed your childhood room into a sex swing chamber. Your dad will then offer you a high-five, which you will have to reciprocate, before he turns off the lights and asks you to leave the room. Gross right? Well so are you.

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