Baby Strollers: Selfish parenting personified in wheel form

Congrats, you got drunk one night, or tried to save a failing relationship, and you’re now stuck with a little critter who you love more than anything in this world, other than your own sense of self-worth.

Last I checked, the decision to have children rests solely on the parents, accident or not. Unless I somehow orchestrated a molly fueled date in a majestic setting for you and your lover, where the only outcome would be sweet baby making, I had nothing to do with the process. Yet every damn day, I’m impeded in my quest to live and roam free throughout city streets and stores, because of your stupid baby strollers.

Having a child does not give you carte blanche do be an asshole, even if a lack of sleep and the smell of vomit covered attire turns you into one. The world does not revolve around you and your stupid kid. I literally do not care about your child. I don’t want them to get sick or anything, but if given the choice of deciding between an ice cream sandwich and your child going to the best school or some similar bullshit, I’ll take the ice cream sandwich every time.

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Baby strollers are big, I get it. And they are expensive. But you know what else is big and expensive and can’t be brought into a coffee shop, or placed horizontally across a sidewalk, a bike. If going to a coffee shop, that seats ten, do you really need to bring the stroller right in? Especially when the kid is just sitting on your lap or sucking on your teet, or what have you. Leave it outside, get a lock, and stop being such a selfish prick. And never just leave it parked in the doorway, which is pretty obvious, but seems to be a daily occurrence.

When outside and stopping on the sidewalk to check your zero Facebook notifications (I guess no one else thinks little Gerald’s ice cream covered face is as cute as you do), avoid doing so at busy intersections or sidewalks, or at least pretend like you are actually trying to place the thing in a way that lets people get by. Guess what, you deciding to inseminate/be inseminated, has not given the rest of society the power of intangibility, which is a shame, as I’d love the ability to walk through walls because opening doors takes effort.

If the kid is gonna be sleeping in the stroller and you absolutely need to be sitting in a crowded coffee shop, do us a favor and try a little damn harder to place the thing in a strategic way. Or you know what, how about buying a normal sized stroller for such outings, versus one that is essentially the Hummer equivalent for baby transportation. “But where am I gonna put my extra blankets, bottles, wipes and my iPad”, you may be asking. Well short answer, I don’t really care, so figure it out without blocking half the city.

Sentence: Anyone caught with a stroller blocking an entrance-way or a sidewalk, will receive a full day at Society Camp (it would have been less, but it’s Monday so I’m taking it out on the breeders). If the stroller is big enough to house a grown man, you will receive a day and a half.

Baby-Carriage-Rolling-Down-Stairs-by-BanksyReform Punishment: As you all know, we at Society Camp are not monsters. We aren’t going to put your kid in that stupid stroller and launch it down some train station’s  marble stairs during a gun fight like in The Untouchables. As much as some of you deserve it. The punishment is more simple, but may actually drive you more insane. You will have to take care of your kid, without the use of television or an iPad. This may be our harshest punishment yet, as there is nothing more difficult than caring for a child without a television or other form of electronic distraction.

Or better yet, don’t have kids, your genes are abysmal and we’d like to one day live in a society without your tainted offspring.

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