I blame Trump, for like, all my own failures.

Look, since we last spoke, shit has transpired. The world is forever changed. A bloated turnip with golden retriever pubes for a haircut, is the President. Anyway, you all know this and are probably sick of seeing your Facebook feed filled with his mug. This isn’t about his awful policies, his racists rhetoric, and his general inability to run the most powerful nation in the world. I’ll let actual reporters do that for me. No, this is simply my mea culpa for being a lazy asshole who wants to be a famous writer with the jaw of George Clooney and the abs of Madonna, but would rather play NBA JAM on the SNES than pretty much anything worthwhile, like going for a walk to see if the snow is gone yet.

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