Horking in Public – Viscous rich hatred

Humans are filled with disgusting fluids, it’s just a scientific fact that we can’t escape. Over the years, we have found various ways to rid ourselves of these unwanted fluids in discrete ways. Gone are the days of throwing chamber pots out the window and onto busy streets. No longer do we frequent dusty saloons riddled with overflowing spittoons. Yet still, some people find it necessary, in our modern times, to fucking hork and then spit on the sidewalk. The word hork, by no accident, is meant to illicit disgustingness. It’s almost as bad as the words moist and quiche. Don’t get me wrong, I love quiche, but it’s a very sexual word, and no one wants to hear their mom ask if they want to taste their juicy quiche. Freud may disagree with me on that one. Continue Reading→

Baby Strollers: Selfish parenting personified in wheel form

Congrats, you got drunk one night, or tried to save a failing relationship, and you’re now stuck with a little critter who you love more than anything in this world, other than your own sense of self-worth.

Last I checked, the decision to have children rests solely on the parents, accident or not. Unless I somehow orchestrated a molly fueled date in a majestic setting for you and your lover, where the only outcome would be sweet baby making, I had nothing to do with the process. Yet every damn day, I’m impeded in my quest to live and roam free throughout city streets and stores, because of your stupid baby strollers. Continue Reading→

Sidewalk Etiquette – Don’t be a concrete asshole

I think a lot of people are unaware that they are in fact, living in a society, and I base this entirely on their inability to walk on the fucking sidewalk. The sidewalk is a simple yet fundamental tenant to our society. A means of transport  bringing those who choose to walk from one point to another, or simply allowing them to meander and take in life as it slowly passes you buy at 12 km/hr (miles be damned). They are the arteries of both small and congested cities and are vital to the vibrancy, success and general happiness of its populace. Except, people don’t know how to actually use them.

You’d think the act of walking on concrete, while mixing in a little common sense and decency, would not take rules or guidance, but people are stupid so here we are. Continue Reading→